closing my eyes

I close my eyes to imagine that it is raining.

My mind only hears static instead of the pitter patter on a tin roof.

I close my eyes to imagine that I am loved.

My mind slides to you.

 

Eyes that intoxicate me with their tempting glare.

Skin that doesn’t require the sun to stay glowing and warmly kissed.

Hair that reminds me of unruly dirt roads that spiral and lead to nowhere.                 

Arms that I thought were made for going in for tight hugs by grabbing my hips.       

 

But they are meant to lift suitcases and luggage.

They toss things out like trash before opening doors to leave.

They grab what they want and dispose of things when bored.

I’m afraid I am one of those things.

 

I close my eyes to think.

Not deeply, not too much- as lately that’s all I’ve been doing.

Do you ever think so much that you’re almost not thinking at all?

Like on the surface you look so drained and paused.

But on the inside, you’re running marathons and crying to your reflection.

You want to understand what’s going on.

Because lately, everything’s been so much different.

 

And I’m not even quite sure what it is.

Is it really that it’s just you? And that your absence leaves me this shattered?

Because I promised myself I would distance myself this time.

That I would draw a line-

in the quicksand that surrounds the concept of what love is.

 

I close my eyes to process.

Does this mean no more? No more deep conversations until daylight?

No more debating intertwined futures and palms?

No more laughing at stupid jokes and singing each other songs?

 

My eyes open once more, fighting back and forth against the pain.

But even with them closed, I see the same exact thing.

Nothing but pitch black, an empty universe with no stars to guide the lost souls.

Does it even matter if I try to keep them open anymore?

 

I close my eyes one last time.

Two gasps for air and with my last words hanging from my tongue

Like two rock climbers who just want that Monday morning rush.

Because that was me when it came to love.

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