I wanted the tips of your fingers to dance along my body,
your lips to write small bits of poetry along my neck-
I wanted your palms to read mine as we held hands on the boardwalk.
I wanted your words to make mine make sense.
But your fingers were crooked,
your lips chapped,
your palms cold to the touch,
and your words practically nonexistent.
I wanted your eyes to see me.
I wanted someone to notice how hard I was trying.
I wanted your arms to drape themselves around me like a comforting blanket.
I wanted to feel alive as I lay dying.
But your eyes were blinded by Autumn fog-
Your arms around another’s waist-
Your kisses leave road marks
and even your innocence likes to misbehave.
I wanted to believe in you.
Not like a religion, not like an opinion-
But like a wayward dream that keeps a person holding on
even if it means failure and loss..
I wanted us to dance to Sonic Youth in the middle of the kitchen.
I imagined what movies we’d watch at three in the morning
and how you’d fall asleep before me, and I would just smile at the leaking ceiling.
Thanking the universe for whatever I did right to get that moment.
But suddenly my music stopped playing.
Every movie I owned was split down the middle, cracked and carefree
and you fell asleep days before I did without even dreaming of who I was.
I bet you thanked the universe that you wouldn’t have to waste any more time loving me, huh?