the stability he desires

I’m losing you and I don’t know what I did to deserve it.
I guess I tried too hard to keep our love’s flame lit.
I tried tracing my footsteps, but my track is long gone.
I guess I never really did leave that much of an impact at all.

I wish I knew how to make you stay and not backtrack who we are.
Together, we were a universe. But alone, I’m just a star.
I hate thinking that everything you felt was just a phase of the moon.
I hate thinking I gave all my love, but it just wasn’t enough for you.

I don’t know why I keep trying sometimes.
I don’t how to tell apart your truths from your lies.
I don’t know why the sun turns away from me.
I’d like to think it’s just giving me shade as a form of sympathy.

But in the end, everything’s just dark.
I’m so blind that I can’t find the parts of me that break apart.
Too blind to see what’s really in that heart of yours.
Too deaf to hear my own cries and too naive to capture the right metaphors.

I want to know I’ve done enough, I crave for someone to stick around.
I want to understand how to fix a loss, and how to calm my heart down.
Because all I hear is “loss”, “I’m not enough”, “No one can give me that reliable love”.
And I’m left with the false promises that degrade themselves to rust and cause a decrease within my trust.

I want to fix your open wounds.
I want you to have faith in my ability to.
I guess you know more than me.
But I’m in love with you.
And I don’t want to learn anymore about what the word “loss” means.

I’m trying to be okay with it all, darling.
I know where you’re coming from.
But I have the oddest feeling I know what’s coming.
And it’s made me the oddest combination of sensitive and numb.

You were the source of the blood that traveled to my heart.
But you laid this heavy weight on it, and now it can’t circulate.
My heart is asleep. I can barely breathe.
You gave me a reason, but it feels like nothing.

I guess I’m just too fucked up to do things alone.
The reasons, by now, shouldn’t be unknown.
That must be it, I admit.
I need someone to care, because I have no other reason to live.

I spend my days walking the hallways of school, feeling like a insatiable bird.
What I want is always right there, but I will never be heard-
because I can’t ask.
I feel the quench so I dip my head into the glass-
but I keep going back.

There’s a hole in my mouth perhaps.
Maybe one in my soul.
But the point is you knew about it-
before accepting the draining toll.

What a burden I must be.
What a task! What a gritty reality-
the feeling of gravity truly is-
as I fall from the palm of your hand-
to the sea-
of heartache and bitter ends.

“I hope you find the happiness, the sanity, the stability you desire.
Mine is in a firefly glass, surrounded by depression’s vanity, and lit on fire.
It’s very beautiful, I wish you could see it.”,
says I as I place it against a smoldering cigarette.


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