loss

I had never so quickly ran empty out of fuel.
My heart paused itself in order to tend to its open wound.
Body shutting down, unable to grasp the amount of pain.
I fell to my knees and wondered aloud.

Weeping, screaming till my voice runs away with my sanity.
I eased into bed, feeling like a heavy bag that will never be able to be lifted back up.
My midnight thoughts crept and whispered into my ringing ears, begging to be heard.
I can no longer give when there isn’t enough.

Sleep didn’t come easy, no. I stared at the bedroom walls of my mother’s room.
I inhaled into her pillows, smelling her perfume linger like the pain that I still feel.
My, how I feared that the smell would wear away and I’d have nothing left but the echo–
The echo of her voice when she muttered goodbye that day.

However, as the years passed I soon found it hard to hear that echo.
It was hard to remember being in her presence after the time apart.
I wondered what she’d be doing right now if she woke up from her permanent slumber.
Would she run to me, with false promises of always being here?

We find it’s impossible to know for sure when it comes to these things.
I promise, I promise, I promise. I promise. I swear to you.
These sort of words are nothing short of meaningless.
Nothing short of a missing game piece in a game of Clue.

I spent days, waiting for her to pop out and apologize for her leaving.
Some days, in the silence I heard her laugh.
Looking around the house gave me the worst feeling.
Knowing she would never sit in her favorite chair again.

The smell of her is replaced with my father’s loneliness.
My room feels heavy and the air suffocates me, as I try to maintain the numbness.
My mother lies underground in a treasure chest tomb, with fake angels placed around by mourners.
I take my time with her and leave my tears with the month of April that hides in the trees around her.

I find no comfort here. There is none to receive.
In my seventeen years alive, I’ve spent thirteen dead.
Ironically the age I was when she left me for the pearly white gates
And left us all experiencing heartbreak.

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